Missing something. . .

Hey Y’all

I wrote a previous blog about how a close friend was leaving. We are doing fine but I find myself missing some things in particular.

We were pretty good at talking about stuff. We could chat about a lot of stuff. I must admit, I loved it when it got personal, when we talk about her exs and her struggles and, to a lesser extent, my own struggles. She would always thank me after for letting her ‘rant’. I missed that feeling of trust, and I always felt like I was helping her in some way. Maybe talking it out, saying out loud, helped her sort it out in her head. I find myself wanting that again. Someone to trust me with stuff like that.

I also miss having someone admittedly from the opposite sex to have dinner with. I liked having dinner with my friend. We seemed to really enjoy each other’s company and I felt really close to her during those nights. I find myself wanting that too. Someone to do that stuff with.

I find myself acting differently around a new girl at work, and I think it’s for this reason. I really think it’s not anything about her, but really what she could represent. She could be that filler in. I don’t know why I think that. I just do. It was nice, having someone who would trust me with those personal things. It has great having someone who would let me help them with their problems. I felt very proud of myself for being that for my friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if maybe her willingness to talk about those things with me made me read a few signals wrong and think she actually liked me back. Now that it is gone, it makes me a bit sad. I miss it and, very selfishly, I want it back.

I barely know anything about the girl at work but I find myself trying too hard to impress her. And trying too hard to make sure she’s okay. And trying too hard to make sure I talk to her every day. Just trying too hard in general. It kind of freaks me out cause instead of being that kind, caring, goofy, funny me, I feel I’m coming off more like arrogant, cocky, needy, self-centered, and even a bit rude. I don’t like that. It must be hard already for her. It’s a new job for her, a new company, and new co-workers. Everyone has done a great job of making her feel welcomed. But I wonder if I have done a good job, you know?

I’m not sure if she noticed any of this. I hope not. I would feel very angry with myself & embarrassed if she did. Then again, it would be nice to have a chance to get it all in the open. I would to start the slate clean. A mulligan or do-over.

I tell myself it’s going to be a long time before I like someone like the way I like my friend in Lake Louise. This little episode just drives the point home. I think I was ready for the last few years to be in a relationship. With that friend. Now that she’s gone, I wonder now if I’m ready to be in a relationship with someone not my friend in Lake Louise. I guess I was so focused on her, I never really saw anyone else.

I hope one day, all of this will be easier. Though right now, I would settle for treating the new girl at work better.

BJB

Looking Back

Hey y’all

I’m moving soon and one of the big things with moving is you gotta clean up the rooms inside your house. We have to do a totally clean as we are selling the house (downsizing, all that jazz). Anyways, we have a crawl space. For those who don’t know, think as a crawl space like an attic, except instead on the roof, it’s on the bottom of the house. Basically it’s full of storage. . .lots and lots of storage. . .I mean like a whole floor of it. . .sorry, it’s a lot to clean and has become the bane of my existence du jour (“of the day”). But it has resulted in many laughs and smiles. Why you ask?

Because I got to see a lot of my old toys and stuff animals before they were given away or tossed out (sorry Papa Smurf, but you are too ragged and beat up and it looks like I took a bite out you. . .). Or I would see a box or bag of stuff I used to love! I will upload photo soon but just to give you an idea:

My Transformer Collection, including Rodimus Prime (“You ran this organization into the ground. Now give me back the matrix”), Gold Bug (“He can stay and guard the base”), Blur (“Shut up, Blur!”), and Ghetto Blaster (“Awwwwe Shit. How’s going GB?”)

My Ninja Turtles: They are still hanging on to their weapons.

My old Atari System: No Pole Position though : (  But I had the paddles to play Pong!

My old Skateboards: The replacement for never learning how to ride a bike. . .

A ukulele: That was the best. I just need to restring it and I’ll have one. My mom tried to give it to my sis, but I stopped that craziness right away. I want a ukulele!!

Among others

I remember my childhood fondly, but like a roller coaster ride. My parents were good to me, but I was a third child and times were tough. Thank God I had a brother and a sister who would help them with anything, even money. But it was still hard. And sometimes the pressure of paying the bills, feeding the mouths, and keeping cool was too much. And you have to pay the bills. And you have to feed the mouths. So as much good memories I have, I have bad ones too. And back then, I thought on average, my childhood was a little below good.

But looking back, seeing all the stuff my mom and dad gave me. And thinking of all the stuff they sacrificed. And thinking about all the things they did do for me . . . I realize now that my childhood was great. My mom used to work in airline’s office department, so as a child, I traveled so much, I eventually wanted to stop so I could explore the city I lived in (now that I have, I wanna travel haha). My dad is where I get my love for singing. I remember he would sing “I’m sorry” by John Denver while I would listen behind a closed door. I remember he would sing it with such passion and sorrow that I would cry, just listening to him. And I had one of the best friends I could ever have. Russ would be the leader of our little two man group, and thank God for that. Without him, I wouldn’t have any adventures of finding lost trinkets no one cared about, or stick fighting in the middle of the night, cause we just finished watching Star Wars: the Phantom Menace, again (say what you want about the movie, I thought that three way fight at the end was pretty freakin’ cool). And I remember my sis would always take care of me. At times it felt like she wasn’t my sis but the mommy and the boss. And my bro . . . . well the memories I have of my bro of him beating me in every videogame imaginable. Damn him! Lol. There so many other memories of friends and family that it's too much to write.

Sometimes you don’t realize that life was good until years later, when you have to watch it be left behind or thrown away or given away. But the memories remain and if you remember that, then you can live with not seeing those things. And you can still keep stuff (I will rock the shit out of the ukulele! Playing stuff like Metallica, BSB, and Green Day. Yeah. Believe it!)

BJB

It might be happening again. . .

Every once in a while, we have to say goodbye to people in our lives. People move on, find new jobs, and start new lives. And you promise each other to keep in touch and to remain friends but sometimes it’s hard. I’ve experienced it a lot. I think we all have. And it’s frustrating when you fight for it and it just doesn’t work out. Hard as you try, it just doesn’t work. And you lose a friend. Or worse, you stop trying because you just don’t see a point in it. You feel like the friendship is over because they aren’t physically there. For someone like me, that’s important. I much rather see someone laugh out loud, then give two cleverly placed letters (I talking about texting LOL). And I much rather see a smiling face then see a “smiley face”. But it’s more than that. I like feeling close to that person. I can hug them, knuckle bump them, hi five them, whatever. So I’m always scared when for whatever reason, I move or someone else moves away from me. Cause I’ve seen that game before. It starts before that person even goes as it becomes hard for the two of us to find time to talk. It becomes so hard that I feel distant from that person, even though they are right there. I end up far away from that person. As much as I don’t want to, as great as my original intentions are, the same thing happens. . .

All these fears have come back cause someone I care about (a lot more than I should) is moving away today. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. I want to say ‘I’ll stay in touch with her’ and ‘We’ll keep our friendship’. But I just don’t know. And it scares me, because I never want to stop being there for her. Have you ever met someone, and you just knew she was important to you and your life? Maybe not like love (Though for me it turned into that) but you just knew that this was someone who God sent into your life for a reason. That’s how I felt and still feel about her. Maybe it’s silly but it’s true. I won’t get into serious details about it now (but I bet a blog will come soon enough) but she has done so much for me and inspired me in a lot of things. I find it hard imagining that she isn’t a well timed text message away from dinner. I find it hard imaging that she won’t be in the same city. I guess with her in the same city I was, I could hold on to a silly illusion that I could somehow change her mind about me. Somehow, I could make her feel the way I feel for her. But I digress. . .

I don’t want to lose her, simply because there is a couple of 1000 miles between us. So I’m going to do what I always do when faced with a situation that seems doomed and hard: I ask those around me for help. So please give me suggestions on what I can do to change what has happened in the past.

For my part, I‘ve already thought of things. Visiting her seems a very logic solution. I’ve already thought of ways to get to where she’s going. But that’s not as economic feasible as I would hope. I won’t give up on the friendship, as I’ve noticed I’ve done that in that past. And I guess using the social media thing is another way. I just worry that MSNing her every Friday might be a bit much (That’s how much I want to do). I’m also going to try to keep positive, though it’s really hard. I miss her so much, and she’s still here. With my past, it’s hard to be positive. But I’ll try for her. I would love to use video calling too. Again though, I don’t know if that’s too much for her.

I don’t know what she’ll do. If my friendship with her means that much to her, I don’t know. At times, she has disappeared on me already in our friendship and as much as I stay positive, it takes a toll on me, not feeling that closeness I mentioned above. I’ve always felt we rely too much on texting and MSN to gain a close friendship instead of actually hanging out together.  Now that’s all we will have. Will it be enough? It’s silly, I know. We’re just friends. But she means a lot to me and I just don’t want to just watch out friendship die. I don’t want to lose her, just because she’s 1000 miles away.

So again, any suggestions?

Hey y'all

I love writing. I love how it can change moods and make people feel good, or whatever emotion you want. But the biggest thing I like about it is the way it can say all those things you can’t seem to say out loud. Particularly song writing and poetry (though I can't really remember the last time I wrote poetry . . . though song writing is a form of poetry. . .).

So for my first post, I would like to share with you one of the new songs that I wrote.

I wrote the song for a friend who is leaving soon for Lake Louise. She means a lot to me, and I must admit, she and her life seems a constant inspiration for writing songs. I don’t know why, just I can think of songs pretty quick when I think about or hang out with her. Whatever the case, I owe a lot to her as her constant changing and improving her own life made me examine and improve my own. For the record, she only ever a friend . . .

“Because of You” 

I find God in everything I do
And I’m writing almost every day
I smile all day for no reason at all
And I speak the truth no matter what I say

I always have a reason to write a new song
And I know now the reason I sing
I understand a lot of songs now
And I feel like I can do anything

If you ask me what has changed?
Why is everything brand new?
It’s because of you

Chorus
It’s because you walked into my life
Told me that I was alright
It’s the way you always tell me
That you believe in me
I will be strong
Even when you’re gone
It’s because of your love
It’s because of your heart
It’s because of everything you do
It’s because of you

I know that love’s coming my way
And I’ve learned to be a better man
And when the clouds come rolling in
I know now I need to lend a hand

I’ve learned that love needs expression
Or else it will pass you by
And I’ve learned you gotta take a risk
If you wanna change you have to try

Do wanna know why I’m a different man?
Why I look brand new?
It’s because of you

Chorus

Bridge

It doesn’t matter if you’re 1000 miles away
Your love will remain
And even if I don’t see you again
I’ll love you all the same

Chorus

Well, that’s it. Hope you guys enjoy it.

A quick note about Osama Bin Laden’s death. While I’m glad that his reign of terror is over, it bothers me that people are so happy that’s he’s dead. I would of loved to see him captured and fully paying for his crimes. But maybe that was too risky. Perhaps it was the only way. Still, someone’s death, while necessary, isn’t something to celebrate, no matter who it is. Also, while his death is important, the war will not be over. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone takes over his position. What happens then?  Just my opinion.

However, I want to make clear: I am happy that his reign of terror is over. For many, it brought closure to something they have been feeling for years. And it's a constant reminder that those who do wrong eventually come to justice, no matter how hard they try to escape it.

BJB