Blogging from T-Dot!

Hey y'all

So I'm doing my first travel blog! I'm here in the lovely city of Toronto (well, Mississauga to be exact.) visiting relatives and relaxing.

Just got here two days ago, so really haven't done much except go to Downtown Toronto, take some pics, and go to the Eaton Centre. I can understand why some people don't like it (crowded, too big, too many stores, too expensive), but it had everything I needed (A food court, a Chapters/Indigo, a Starbucks, and shops we don't see in Vancouver. Even got some Christmas/Birthday shopping done. For the record, now that I've got to Abercombie and Finch, I realize now that Lily was right. It is waaaaaaaaay too expensive!! Even at 30% off!

Beyond that, I've been spending a lot of time with relatives. They were so kind enough that they had a big dinner on the first night I came in (Sunday). Chicken, wings, salad, beef, pork, crab, cupcakes, pizza from Little Caesars. Everything but lumpia (spring rolls). But don't worry. I got my lumpia fix the next night. Big ups to my Uncle Mandy and Tita Zaida for letting us stay at their place. Big ups to Neil for letting his older, less cool, and totally better looking cousin hang with him. Gonna to a dog's birthday party with him and his gf on Friday. And no. Celebrating a dog's birthday is not weird.

Despite all this, I do find myself missing Vancouver. Mostly the people. I miss my co-workers, particularly Joz and Lily, as I hang with those two the most. I call them my twin sisters haha. And they call me their brother. I miss my crew, Russ, Steve, Mike and Maria. And lil Jacob and Maya. Miss my bed and Optik TV (No NHL Network here! I NEED MY CANUCK FIX!) But I'm sure that missing feeling will pass soon enough.

Beyond that, nothing is really happening in my life. I just wanted to write something so those who are at home know I'm ok and I am having fun. Also so I keep up with this whole write a blog per month.

Wait. It's been a whole month. Didn't something interesting happen to me in that month?. . .nope.

Couple things I still need to do:
1) Go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Cause just have never been there.
2) Go to the Royal Ontario Museum. Cause they got this cool Mayas exhibit that deals with their calendar and 2012. Which has a little bit to do with my book. Exciting!
3) Find a few gifts/candy to bring back to Vancouver. Cause that's what I do. Maybe I can find some more cool gifts for Christmas.

Well, off to see my Grandma. I wonder if she's gonna tell me to "Not be like your brother. FIND A GIRLFRIEND." Yes. That was an actual quote from her. You should have seen her eyes. . .

See you Sunday, Vancouver! Just in time for the Grey Cup!

BJB

Happy Thanksgiving (week. . .for Canadians. . .I got lazy)

So thanksgiving was last week up in here in the great country of Canada. And I've been holding on to this blog ever since then. Not because I didn't have anything to be thankful for. I just wanted to make sure I said the words I wanted to say. Being vocally or publicly grateful is something I never was good at. I appreciated things and all that jazz but I always just said thanks. I didn't just want to do that here. I wanted to say something important and why I am so thankful for the below.

So let's do this!

1. God. He can move mountains, tear down walls, and protects all of us from evil. He's such a busy dude/dudette/entity, watching over the world, and yet he somehow has time to bless me with these amazing gifts, like friends and family who love me, people who care about me, and a life I can be proud of. I am so grateful for each and everyone of his blessings.
2. Mom and Dad. They worked so hard to get the old house sold and to help me into my new house. With all this change, they still remain the fun loving, caring parents that I've always known. I'm so thankful for their hard work and effort. Not just keeping my place in order, but also for the effort they have given in understanding and getting closer to me in the last year.
3. My bro and sis. In a time of crisis and confusion, they stood tall for me and always reached out a hand to lift me up. They tried to protect me, make sure I made the right decisions, and I am so grateful that they were around. It's so good knowing that I have such strong pillars to lean on when I'm in trouble. It's so good knowing I can trust and rely on them.
4. Neo. The only pet I ever had, maybe ever will. I am so grateful for that dog. He always made me smile when I saw him, even near the end of his days. I will always remember the dog that ran into my room, jumped on my bed, and licked me until I woke up and scared him off. But not before he would looked back me, almost to say 'I got ya. I got ya good' and then leave me a stinky present in my room. Run and poop free boy. Run and poop free.
5. Olivia & Ryan; Jacob & Maya. 4 of the cutest, funniest, exciting, wreckless, goofy, happiest, smartest, good looking, craziest, nicest, greatest, and amazing kids I have ever known. I am so grateful that I can go to any of them, and know that within seconds, I'll forget whatever bad day I was having. They make me remember how happy life is, if you just put everything into perspective.
6. Aurora, Madi, Michelle, Natalie, and Justin. I have found one of the best starbucks around. It's on the corner of Howe and Robson, and has five of the greatest barista I have ever known (Update: Now only 2. Three of the above have left). I am so grateful for their friendliness, laughter, and willingness to give me free coffee every oncer in a while. It always be one of my favorite places to go.
7. Russ and Anna. I am so grateful to these two. They are a constant reminder to me that love still happens. It still a strong force that can't be denied. But they remind me that it takes work and effort and compromise and giving and taking and doing and forgiving and a bunch of other verbs I can't type right now. But when you find the right person, it doesn't take much for you to do it. I hope one day I can have a relationship half as good as theirs.
8. Steve, Maria and Mike, Jill, Original Michelle, Rene, Derek, Rosey, Bal, Marky, Soon and Jabeen. Good friends are hard to find. But God has decided I need about 10 of them to keep me from breaking apart. So I am so thankful to call these people my friends. From the gifts and the help when I'm in over my head, to simply just calling me to hang out, and being there to make me smile. I don't know what I did to earn friends like these, but I'm glad I have them.

7. Darren, Lily, Jozz, Derrick, Ciony, Shalesh, Nola and Tess. Work can be the hardest thing to wake up for. It can be the biggest stress in your life. So thank God I have people like the ones above to keep me smiling, and laughing and to make coming to work worthwhile. I am so grateful for these people. They make me wanna work hard, and help whenever I can (even sometimes when I can't), and stay late if they need me. Hell, I often think they are the reason I would work for. . .I won't say it cause I like being paid. But you get the idea. Again, I don't know what the hell I did to have such amazing people in my life, but I am so grateful they are there.
8. Selena and Andrew. Two of my closest friends who also live so far away from me. I still can't believe they remembered me. I'm a very easy to forget person, but they still keep in touch, making me smile with there LMAOs and LOLs and HAHAs. I miss them, but I know I don't miss as much as I do others. Cause they are still a part of my life, and I am so grateful for them for putting in that effort. It means so much to me, I don't think they will ever know.
9. My book. Cause I just didn't want to talk about people that I know, I thought I would mention this. Many a childhood dream have died before my feet, never to be seen again or accomplished. But I am so grateful that time and effort was spent on making this one come true. I am so close to making it a reality. A few more chapters to edit and it's ready for a professional to read and break apart with his or her red pen. . .but then I can say 'Screw you! I'm keeping true to myself! I'm keeping all those 'Justin Bieber needs a kick to face' jokes in and it's gonna sell millions!!!!
   For the record, No Justin Biebers were hurt doing the production of my novel. . .
   Yet

So there it is. Took me a good half an hour to write. Hope you enjoy and sorry it took so long to post.

Just a quick story I wanna share. I guess one more thing I'm grateful for. When I was in grade 1 (So what 6, 7, 8 years old), I came home from a particular great day from school. I made everyone laugh and smile and did good things, and even made my teacher laugh so hard, she almost spilled her water. So I thought to myself, in that childhood way, maybe that's why I'm here on Earth. Maybe I'm here to make people smile, whether be through jokes, or laughter, or good deeds or just acting stupid. Maybe that's my purpose in life. Why God put me on this Earth? And to this day, I have never found a better purpose in life.

Peace out, love ya, and don't stop (pause) believing (awesome guitar solo engaged)

BJB

Whoa there! It's not all bad!

 Hi y'all

I read the two comments from my last blog. They were from great friends from far away. After reading them, I realized maybe, just maybe, I was a little too negative with my blog. The point of the blog wasn't to say 'Oh woe is me. Look at the change I must go through', but more to say 'This is what happened this year. Good, bad, or draw, it's what I'm dealing with right now.'

But I thought to myself, if two of my friends, who don't even live where I live and hardly ever see or talk to, are worried, what must those who are near me think? So let's get positive, shall we? This blog is about pointing out all the good things in my life right now.

1. My weight. I feel very proud of myself to say I've lost 20 lbs over the last year. I am working really hard to lose more, and who knows? With a little luck and some hard work, I will. Big shout out to Darren and Christina, two people who never laughed at my weight, but saw the athlete beneath the belly full of donuts.

2. My book. I feel a great accomplishment in saying I finished writing my blog. I still have a long way to go until you get to see it in a bookstore near you, but to say I finished writing it and am almost done with my first edit, is a great feeling.

3. My relationships. For too long, I've been passive in my relationships with my family, friends, and girls. I've always thought that it was never my fault if things went bad. I never tried hard to maintain the relationship cause I took for granted that they would always be there. It might be the reason why at times I feel very alone. I realize now that was a mistake. The God gave these people around me to love as I would like to be loved. To give love to them as a way to express my love for Him. And I realize now that sometimes people leave. A friend always tell me 'Don't worry'. I've never told it to her, but I rather worry too much and work too hard to show love, then not worry or give enough. I never want someone to question if I care for them, or if I love them. And I never want to feel alone again. It was hard, and I started with my friends, cause it felt like an easier place to start. But I like to think that it has spread in all aspects of my life.

4. Talking to girls. Yes. I know I still am one shy little boy when it comes to this. But I have realized that I can actually talk to girls, and not sound like an idiot, or love struck, or a 13 year old kids just discover that girls have boobies (heehee). Somewhere between the girls who just wanted to be friends to those girl who just straight up rejected me to the girls who were just being polite, I developed something that might be very close to confidence. Yes. It's weird for me too. And I still have moments when I'm just standing there, not knowing what to say. But for someone who has always said he was a shy person, the fact that I was able to talk to girls (and people in general now) without getting scared is huge for me. And as a result, I feel good about myself. So if given me more confidence. Isn't that awesome?

On a slightly related topic, I now have actual wants and don't wants when it comes girls. I've never really had that. So just cause a girl is cute and nice to me, it doesn't mean I'll go after her. I get to know girls, become their friends, and isn't that what you should do first, right?

If you wanna know (say maybe to hook me up with a single friend), I want passionate about something (work or hobby), environmentally conscience, and someone who listens to my stupid rants, and laughs at the end. So if you're a single female and reading this blog, (which is essentially, a long stupid rant) then we be off to a good start.

5. Changed jobs. Now hold on. Don't flip out. I know I said this wasn't exactly a good thing, but I would like to point out the good that came out this. I made two good friends with Derrick and Gino, along with reconnecting with friends Darren, Tess, Lorna, Jozz and Nola. I've met some great people who I can totally see being friends in Shalesh and Lily and Ciony. And now that I've worked harder and gotten better, i do feel better about my job and my role (Though I still feel a little like I'm on the outside looking in as far as team).

One thing I've always believed in that joy always comes in the little things. It sometimes hard to spot when you feel like the big things are trying to kick you the balls and try to keep you up at night. And then you write a blog like my last one. But it's not what brings you down, it's what pick you up when you're down that matters. And keeping an eye on the little good things makes it easier to see the big good things. I hope one day I only see good, and only worry about things I can do something about so I can go change them, but til them, I have this blog to remind me that in a time full of change and the frustration that can bring, I got better. It's like I downloaded a beta version from the internet. It came with some bugs but the BJ 5000 is now in solid, good working order, sent back through time to be legen. . .wait for it. . .wait for it. , ,I hope you're still waiting, cause then this would just looks silly. Hmm could stuff like this be the reason people get annoyed with me?. . .wait for it. . .dary. That's spelled Legendary for those who didn't see it.

BJB

2011: The Year Everything Changed.

Hi Y'all

Back in January, I called 2011 the Year of Change. So far it has not failed to disappoint.

Here's the thing that has changed in the last 8 months:

1) I changed jobs: I can't decide if this was a good change or a bad change. I do enjoy the new job and I was getting bored with my old job. I did think and still do think I needed a change, but I guess my ego isn't adapting to this new job. In every job I've always been one of the key players, a important part of the puzzle. I felt important and needed and as a result, I felt like I was doing a good job. Not here. I feel like another piece of the cog, wanted but needed. It's a small thing, but when I go on vacation, it's no big deal, cause I don't specialize in anything. I know so much but the master of none. Anyone goes on vacation, there is a big thing of who's covering what. One time my boss said in a group meeting, jokingly of course: 'Oh and next week BJ is going on vacation. . .so nothing really changes. . .but the week after blahblah is going on vacation, so BJ will have to do his job'. In any other department, me leaving on vacation would cause some stir. Not here. I thought it was just the fact that I wasn't working hard enough or good enough, so I tried harder, worked harder, shut up during work hours, even grew a more serious attitude, and I did get better. But I still feel out of place, and not truly needed, thus I don't feel truly valued. So I decided I would help others do there job, learn from them, and get better that way. But it still doesn't make me feel different. It's hard being Mr. Helpful when no one seems to care. . .and sometimes people don't need nor want my help.

2) I changed my home address. You think I would be either like 'This a good change' or 'This is a bad change' but honestly I'm on the fence. I guess it still hasn't sunk in yet. I wonder if this happens to others. On one hand, yes I'm very glad I have a place of my own, but right now, it's not really my own. My dad and mom still live with me as they figure out what to do with their retirement. So I still don't have my own place, though it's under my name, and the bills are under my name too. So I don't feel a lot has changed. On the other side, the idea that I go to a different house, and I need an elevator and a FOB to get home are big fat reminders everything has changed. . .someday it will hit me and I'll blog about it. Stay tuned. (I wonder if I'll get more people following waiting for that one blog entry. . .hmmm. . .)

3) I changed my pet status. We had to put down my dog. It's funny. I never wanted the dog to start out with. I didn't want to take care of it. I knew what a huge responsibility it was having a dog and I neither thought I was ready nor wanted that responsibility. And yet, knowing that he is gone almost brings a tear to my eyes. Neo, I'll see you in heaven. Just try not to take a dump in my place in heaven. I pretty sure they frown upon cursing out dogs up there. . .or maybe dog shit doesn't stick to your shoes up there. . .heaven indeed. . .

4) I changed a friendship status. A very close and dear friend has left for Alberta, leaving me very sad. Not just because I lost a very close friend who i felt I could talk with about anything. It's because I lost someone I really felt for and to be honest I had to realize that her leaving was the big sign that she isn't for me, at least not the me or her we are right now. It took me months after she left and another long chat over this thing called the “internet” for it finally to sink in. I won't lie. I still harbour some remote feelings for her and in those gaps of awakeness during those sleepless nights, her face crosses my mind. But I'm getting better at shaking her off. And soon I'll only remember her as a friend, not as the someone I had to let go so she could follow a dream. Chase your California dream Sel.

5) I changed who I call friend. I have developed a strong friendship with people I never knew I would. They have become a great source of love and happiness. Thank God for people like Maria who has such a happy, positive attitude that it's so easy to smile around her. Thank God for people like Mike, who is the most straight talking, easy talking, good natured fella I've ever met. Thank God for Rene. . .cause we all need a little Barney in our lives (Respect Broda). Thank God for kids like Jacob, who just has too much fun then really the law should allow (if only he would stop being scared. . .). And thank God for Maya who like her mom, just makes it way too easy to smile around her. And thank God for Anna, who has some unbelievable patience for a dorky, nerdy guy like myself, and still has room to laugh at my jokes. Thank God for Jill who likes to remind me that it's okay to wanna be a big kid and it's okay to want to shoot nerf balls at kids (but only they fire first. . .). Along with my other friends that I've always had, they makes life a lot easier than it has any right to be.

This is just a snippet of the changes in my life. As a result, I have changed. In some ways, I've become more serious, dare I say, a downer, a man who looks for approval from anywhere and everywhere. In some ways, I've become stronger, finally understanding what my brother said: 'The only person looking out for you is you'. In some ways, I've become desperate, trying to replace something I've lost with all this change. In other ways, I've become more thoughtful, understanding that the world is bigger than just me and I need to be part of it, not just watch it as it passes by.

I don't know what will happen in the next four months, Maybe I'll get a girlfriend (That's good). Or maybe I'll lose another friend (that's bad). Maybe my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's good), but then my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's bad). Maybe I'll get a bigger role at work (That's good), but maybe I won't and still be a forgotten, unvalued member of the team (that's bad). Maybe the Four Horsemen will come and the Apocolypse will begin, bring hell and heaven unto to Earth for the deadly battle for our souls. (Fuck a Duck, B! What?) But I do know that when January 1, 2012 comes around, I will be different man. Who knows what I'll be. I don't even know if I'll like the new me. But this is what needs to happen to me, so I will embrace it. And I will be a better man.

And if it's bad, I have lots a friend and family who will kick the shit out of me to bring me back to reality. Ah friends and family. There's no one else I would want to kick my ass than them.

BJB

The Five Love Languages: Chapter 3

Hi Y'all

Welcome to Chapter 3 blog to the 'The Five Love Languages: Single's Edition'. Wow. It seems to really believe in how you treat your family as where it all starts. Something to keep in mind.

1) To what degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?

About 50% of the time I needed it. Sometimes they would be encouraging and helpful. But sometimes I felt when I needed a positive word, I got advice I didn't ask for. I know that there way of showing they care, but I would gladly trade that advice for a positive word or two. So instead of feeling better, I felt as if I had another demand of me or another thing to think and worry about.

2) Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?

I sometimes find it easy, and other times hard. Sometimes its hard cause I get frustrated with the advice and the questions. I feel like they don't trust me. Sometimes it's easy. I guess those are the times where I do it without feeling hurt or frustrated.

3) If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to to speak those words to your parents?

Yes. I gueiss it would. Soon it will be harder to get in touch with them so if I don't start now, I may never get the chance. Plus, it might be the only love language will be able to do, considering we will communicate with video chat. On a personal lever, I find that this is one of my primary languages, so if I can convince my parents to speak this language, then I think I might be able to see their languages. Sometimes I'm just so tired that I just ignore chances to let them show love.

4) How freely express words of affirmation in other relationships?

I try to do it as frequently as I can, especially now cause I realize it's an important language to me. I guess I might try a little bit too hard at it, as it's a natural love languages. I like hearing it though. In a short time I started using it more, I discoverd how much I long for these words myself. I like how it's becoming more natural.

5) Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking words of affirmation would be meaningful to that person?

Yes. A few actually. I don't know if words of affirmation. Some seem to not have changed, while others have gotten worse (clearly words of affirmation isn't a primary love language). I guess I'm still learning this language and them as well. Others have enhanced a little. I think everyoen likes hearing these words and I never realized how my words could hurt someone until seeing these books. At the very least I feel more comfortable saying these words. And when I would miss those words, or just forget they said those words, I remember them now and it's really neat to see how many words of affirmation I do receive. I hope if I keep trying I will continue to get better at it and get better relationship out of it too.

That's it. Stay tuned for Chapter 4.

BJB

The Five Love Languages: Chapter 2

Hi y'all

As promised, here are the questions from the wonderful book I'm reading "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition". Please leave any comments or look to the left for my previous blog about Chapter 1.

1) Which Of your relationships do you consider to be healthy?
My relationship with my two best friends is healthy. We seem to have the same love languages. One of my best friend and I have a healthy relationship, as I try my best to speak his love language, acts of services. My best friend's wife and I seem to have a healthy relationship as well. Those three really stick out in my head, maybe cause I worked the hardest on them.

2) Which of your relationships would you like to see improved?
My parents and brother and sister. I give them love and they give me love but I don't think we know each others love languages. So sometimes, we miss out on that feeling of being loved. Also my new coworkers. Because I don't know what love language they speak, sometimes they feel distant from me and sometimes I feel distant from them. This effects how we interact on the job and adds extra stress and frustration.

3) How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Your father?
My mom and I have a good relationship. but I feel sometimes she can be a bit critical and/or advice heavy. Sometimes I wonder if she even listens to me. My dad and I have an okay relationship. We have good and bad history. At times I have to remind myself all the good he has done for me and my family.

4) In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced Stage 1: Passionate love?
No. At least not together with the girl I'm dating. I always seem ready to jump into a relationship that looking back, maybe I got a little pushy and maybe didn't act truly out of love.

5) Were you able to make the transition to Stage 2: Covenant Love? Why or why not?
No and I think it's because I don't get to stage one. I like a girl but I almost always fall hard for her. I try too hard I guess, never fully acting with love and respect. And then sometimes I get so scared of falling so hard that I resist the idea of love, both passionate and covenant.

6) Are you willing to invest time in learning to speak the five love languages?
Yes. I truly believe if I can learn to speak the love language of my friends and family and coworkers, I can really make a difference in their lives, and my own. I've always felt good at making others happy and making others' lives easier. I truly believe learning to speak these languages might open the door to that. Maybe by learning these love languages, I can love myself more too.

Anyways, stay tune for Chapter 3.

Thanks
BJB

The Five Love Languages: Chapter 1

Hey y’all

I’m a single adult. And I’ve been struggling and/or trying to change that for a while now. I always believed that love is hard work, and showing love and being kind is a lot harder than showing hatred and being cruel. So in my attempts to find love and give love a ‘fighting’ chance in my life, I’ve started reading books by a man named Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor.

Dr. Chapman wrote a book about the ‘5 Love Languages’. It talks about how each of us gives and receives love in a primary certain language. Some give and receive love by giving compliments, and giving positive words (This is called ‘Words of Affirmation’). Some spend an evening at home, or go to special events with those they love (‘Quality Time’). Giving and receiving small gifts of appreciation is another way people express love (‘Gift giving’). When you do things for others, like fix their computer or help watch the dishes at a friend’s BBQ, that’s another language of love (‘Acts of Service’). Finally, some people feel loved when they are hugged and hi fived than receiving words or acts (‘Touch’). You may receive love in two or three or all of these ways, but usually only one or two really make you feel good inside.

I have read many of his books. My first book was about how God speaks all those love languages. It really made me feel that God is all around us and is showing us with love every day, if we just listen. The second book was how you can use kindness, and honesty to express those five love languages. After reading both books, I really felt a desire to change my life to bring in more love and a belief that I could make that change and I could start right now.

My most recent book I have of him is using those five love languages and how it can be used to help singles adults in their lives. I thought it might make an interesting blog (or set of them) if we went through the book together, you and I. Now I’m not gonna go do a chapter by chapter synopsis. But after every chapter, he gives us ‘Things to Think About’. These are a series of questions that we would answer alone. Instead I will share those thoughts with you.

Why am I doing this? I guess I hope that if I do this, I will be honest with myself at least. I find when I write I don’t really hide anything from myself. And it would be nice to see that I’m not alone in my struggles to find love and be able to better express and receive it (Comment please!). Finally, I hope somewhere and someone, what I write here will make a difference in their lives.

Feel free to answer these questions alone or if you feeling extra brave, please answer them in the comment section below. If after doing all of this, you felt it was a good read, then I guess I got something really worth while out of this.

Question 1: To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?

I feel like I am loved by a very high degree by those people (let’s give an 8 to 10/10 shall we?). Both my family and my friends have shown me great encouragement and forgiveness and kindness and honesty in their relationship with me. I do feel sometimes that they kind of shower me with love in all kinds of love languages, even the ones that don’t really speak to me. So sometimes their attempts of love fall short. Mostly, I feel that I’ve haven’t given them enough love, which is one reason why I decided to read this book.

Question 2: In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend in such a way that made you say ‘I don’t think I would have made it without her/him’. If so, how did your friend show his or her love?

Yes. I was lucky enough to have so many people try and help me and show their love for me in these situations. One particular friend constantly has been there and always makes these situations a lot easier. One way that really makes me feel loved is when these people let me talk about my feelings and thoughts about the situation. Just knowing that I can trust them with these thoughts and feelings makes me feel valued and loved.

Question 3: Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?

Yes. I showed my love by making sure I took the time to be there for my friend. If they wanted to talk, we would. Or if they just wanted someone to listen, I would. I really wanted to make sure I was there for them in whatever they needed me to do.

Question 4: How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?

I felt I’ve done ‘good’ at it. Sometimes I really get it right and people feel how much I love it. Sometimes though, I feel I fell really short. Recent events have made me think maybe I need to take a look at how I give and receive emotional love, even to my friends and my family.

Question 5: How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?

Very interested because I want to let those who are close to me to know how much I love them. I remember someone once told me I was a very ‘lovable’ person. I want everyone to think that. I also believe that if I can show love to those around me, maybe I can find that romantic love I’ve been looking for.

Thanks for reading and whenever I get to chapter 2 questions I will do another blog.

Being Single and Available. . .

It’s been a long time since I saw myself as a ‘Single’ guy. I’ve always been single but someone has always had my attention. I was never full on single cause I was always looking to try and get this particular girl or that particular girl to be my girlfriend. It was like ‘Single But Hopefully Soon To Be In A Relationship’. It’s funny how those things never worked out. Well, now that I think about it, not that funny.

Recent events in my life have forced me to take a look at my life in this way. The last single girl I know has found something that might be great for her and right now makes her happy. Normally, I would feel let down. First, because she was one those girls I was chasing. But secondly, because it felt like I had to start from scratch again. I had to go and meet new singles and try to find someone again. And it did bother me at first. But it didn’t take me long to think how great this could be.

In my eyes, being single means I don’t have to impress anyone anymore. I don’t have to try and be something that would attract a certain girl. I can be goofy, man-child, sometimes quiet, occasionally shy, mostly funny, and all the time nice and sensitive guy that I like being. And maybe that’s the great part. I can be the man I like being instead of the man I think they might like. Also, I can enjoy being single. Not having to worry if the girl I’m talking with finds me interesting. And not trying to look around, seeing a potential mate somewhere. And I think what might be the greatest thing is this: I can now try and be the friend I’ve always wanted to be to those girls who have had to suffer me chasing them. I am happy to say that most are my friends and hopefully now I can act like (as the great Tim McGraw lyric says) a friend a friend would like to have.

I like the idea of being single now. I have a lot of things on my plate. I have a new department that wants me to be the backup . . . for everyone, even for people not actually working in our department. Now that’s challenging. I have a novel to finish editing if I want to see my plan for it continue on its path. I have a house to sell and find a new one to go to. I have songs to write and youtube videos to make and improve on. And a body I drag to the gym twice or three times a week because it needs it. And that’s just the stuff I’m willing to talk about. I don’t know if I could handle being in a relationship and be the boyfriend I would like to be.

There are so many things I do alone. I often say that I would like someone to do couple things with. But I’ve gone to classical concerts alone, festivals and parades alone, hockey games alone, art gallery, dinner or lunch out, coffee alone, and it’s never really bothered me. These are all things that might be considered ‘couple’ things to do, and I would love someone to join with me. But I don’t need that to enjoy them you know?  I’ve never not enjoyed one these events because I didn’t have someone with me. I didn’t enjoy these events cause of the regular reason one hates these events: boring, not interesting, bad coffee. Sure I guess having someone there to laugh about how bad it was would of been nice, but it never really bothered me.

The last time I was at this crossroads I made a decision. I was going to be more outgoing. I still remember the first time I tried this whole ‘be outgoing’ thing. My supervisor, Janice, and I had to work a Saturday shift to do some testing for new work coming to our department. Well, after that was done, I was talking to her and she said ‘Oh. I’m just gonna hang around downtown until my cousins comes and gets me’. Now she was new in town from Montreal and didn’t know much about downtown Vancouver. So I took a chance and just asked if she would like some company. I didn’t think she would want me to go with her, but instead of a ‘no’, I got a ‘Yeah. Sure.’ I’ve never been more nervous in my life. I don’t remember showing her anything about downtown, but I remember us joking around about how she could get lost and how mad her boss would be if I got her lost cause I left her alone in Vancouver. Eventually, she shooed me away, knowing that I had a previous engagement back in Surrey. But for the first time in a while, I was working it, single man style.

I’ve never really enjoyed the idea of being ‘Single’. I don’t even really know what it means to be that way. To be honest, I don’t know how to look and act 'Single'. Should I start wearing cologne? In a way, I’ve always been in this status, just never really noticed. I guess I should just be myself. It’s always been at the very least very comfortable.

How I started Writing. . .

Hey y’all

I was thinking what should be my next blog about when I realized I haven’t really talked about writing. That was the whole point of this thing. I wanted to not just practice writing but also to talk about, maybe even find fellow writers who are just starting to build their craft, just like me. So I thought what would be a good blog about writing, and I thought wouldn’t it be nice to let the people know how I got into writing songs and my novel, and blog writing.

So let’s start with song writing.

I’ve always written poetry. Ever since I was a little kid in elementary, poetry was my way of expression. I couldn’t draw. I couldn’t dance (or at least enough to think I myself was good). I couldn’t do anything really except write poetry. So that’s what I did.

I’ve also been surrounded by music all my life. For my family, music is more than just notes. It’s a passion that we love deeply. I remember listening to my dad, playing his acoustic guitar, singing songs. One particular song I think about a lot is John Denver’s ‘I’m Sorry’. I used to hide behind my dad’s den door when he would sing that song, and he sung with such passion and sadness that I would start to cry.

So when I started to get older and understand that song lyric were like poetry, I started writing songs. But it was always in the background until my sister and brother got me a gift card to Tom Lee Music five/six years ago. I bought my first guitar and everything changed. All of sudden it wasn’t just a bunch of word on a paper, but a lyrics with musical notes and more importantly, with a meaning. I am forever grateful for my older bro and sis for the gift.

Novel writing was a bit different, and it didn’t happen over decades of time.

In one of my old departments, I would be the newsletter writer. Simply a page or two about what’s going on in the department and in the company as a whole. Just normal stuff. Until one day, we found out the department was leaving my work and being outsourced.

A lot of people were told in a few months, they wouldn’t have a job. Stay on long enough to transition it over then out the door. It was a sad feeling. I still look back and miss the people I never saw again cause of that department moving. At the time, I was pretty hurt and distraught. While I was lucky enough to find a different job at my work, not many were. I was still asked to make a newsletter every two weeks. One particular edition I was asked to write about change and how it’s good and to be cheery and then add the manager’s and HR’s number if anyone needs help. I sat down to write it but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in a cheery, happy mood. I was scared and worried for my friends. And I missed them already, even they were still there. So instead I wrote from the heart. I wrote how I was feeling and how it was alright to feel those feelings of hurt and confusion, and frustration. In the end, I compromised. One side of the newsletter was my story. The other side was some advice from a seminar that my company gave about the year before about handling change. It turned out to be loved by my boss. She loved it and actually passed it on to other departments in other sites for my company, as they too were losing people.

After that, I thought that maybe, just maybe I was pretty good at this whole writing thing. So I decided to write a novel about something I knew a lot about: Star Trek. After six months of writing about a new Red Squad cadet team flying out into space, I realized it sucked and I had no idea where it was going. So I ditched it and started again. This time with a brand new idea, centering on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Please see the Book of Revelation, in the Holy Bible).

Finally, blog writing.

While all that stuff is true about wanting to practice writing, and make a community of writers to help me write, but really, the real reason, is I can’t say the things I write here. I could never say certain things. That that are close to my heart, or things that mean a lot to me. I could never seem to express them right. But I’ve never had the problem when I write. I could always put down on paper or blog what I couldn’t say out loud. Like I would never had told anyone about how I hate missing people, or how I don’t think I’ve treated the new girl at work very good. But this blog let me say something, and helped me sort it out in my head.

Also, everyone is doing it. Never let be said that BJ doesn’t follow the crowd.

Anyways, that’s how I started writing. How about you? How did you get into doing what you’re passionate about!

BJB

Missing something. . .

Hey Y’all

I wrote a previous blog about how a close friend was leaving. We are doing fine but I find myself missing some things in particular.

We were pretty good at talking about stuff. We could chat about a lot of stuff. I must admit, I loved it when it got personal, when we talk about her exs and her struggles and, to a lesser extent, my own struggles. She would always thank me after for letting her ‘rant’. I missed that feeling of trust, and I always felt like I was helping her in some way. Maybe talking it out, saying out loud, helped her sort it out in her head. I find myself wanting that again. Someone to trust me with stuff like that.

I also miss having someone admittedly from the opposite sex to have dinner with. I liked having dinner with my friend. We seemed to really enjoy each other’s company and I felt really close to her during those nights. I find myself wanting that too. Someone to do that stuff with.

I find myself acting differently around a new girl at work, and I think it’s for this reason. I really think it’s not anything about her, but really what she could represent. She could be that filler in. I don’t know why I think that. I just do. It was nice, having someone who would trust me with those personal things. It has great having someone who would let me help them with their problems. I felt very proud of myself for being that for my friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if maybe her willingness to talk about those things with me made me read a few signals wrong and think she actually liked me back. Now that it is gone, it makes me a bit sad. I miss it and, very selfishly, I want it back.

I barely know anything about the girl at work but I find myself trying too hard to impress her. And trying too hard to make sure she’s okay. And trying too hard to make sure I talk to her every day. Just trying too hard in general. It kind of freaks me out cause instead of being that kind, caring, goofy, funny me, I feel I’m coming off more like arrogant, cocky, needy, self-centered, and even a bit rude. I don’t like that. It must be hard already for her. It’s a new job for her, a new company, and new co-workers. Everyone has done a great job of making her feel welcomed. But I wonder if I have done a good job, you know?

I’m not sure if she noticed any of this. I hope not. I would feel very angry with myself & embarrassed if she did. Then again, it would be nice to have a chance to get it all in the open. I would to start the slate clean. A mulligan or do-over.

I tell myself it’s going to be a long time before I like someone like the way I like my friend in Lake Louise. This little episode just drives the point home. I think I was ready for the last few years to be in a relationship. With that friend. Now that she’s gone, I wonder now if I’m ready to be in a relationship with someone not my friend in Lake Louise. I guess I was so focused on her, I never really saw anyone else.

I hope one day, all of this will be easier. Though right now, I would settle for treating the new girl at work better.

BJB

Looking Back

Hey y’all

I’m moving soon and one of the big things with moving is you gotta clean up the rooms inside your house. We have to do a totally clean as we are selling the house (downsizing, all that jazz). Anyways, we have a crawl space. For those who don’t know, think as a crawl space like an attic, except instead on the roof, it’s on the bottom of the house. Basically it’s full of storage. . .lots and lots of storage. . .I mean like a whole floor of it. . .sorry, it’s a lot to clean and has become the bane of my existence du jour (“of the day”). But it has resulted in many laughs and smiles. Why you ask?

Because I got to see a lot of my old toys and stuff animals before they were given away or tossed out (sorry Papa Smurf, but you are too ragged and beat up and it looks like I took a bite out you. . .). Or I would see a box or bag of stuff I used to love! I will upload photo soon but just to give you an idea:

My Transformer Collection, including Rodimus Prime (“You ran this organization into the ground. Now give me back the matrix”), Gold Bug (“He can stay and guard the base”), Blur (“Shut up, Blur!”), and Ghetto Blaster (“Awwwwe Shit. How’s going GB?”)

My Ninja Turtles: They are still hanging on to their weapons.

My old Atari System: No Pole Position though : (  But I had the paddles to play Pong!

My old Skateboards: The replacement for never learning how to ride a bike. . .

A ukulele: That was the best. I just need to restring it and I’ll have one. My mom tried to give it to my sis, but I stopped that craziness right away. I want a ukulele!!

Among others

I remember my childhood fondly, but like a roller coaster ride. My parents were good to me, but I was a third child and times were tough. Thank God I had a brother and a sister who would help them with anything, even money. But it was still hard. And sometimes the pressure of paying the bills, feeding the mouths, and keeping cool was too much. And you have to pay the bills. And you have to feed the mouths. So as much good memories I have, I have bad ones too. And back then, I thought on average, my childhood was a little below good.

But looking back, seeing all the stuff my mom and dad gave me. And thinking of all the stuff they sacrificed. And thinking about all the things they did do for me . . . I realize now that my childhood was great. My mom used to work in airline’s office department, so as a child, I traveled so much, I eventually wanted to stop so I could explore the city I lived in (now that I have, I wanna travel haha). My dad is where I get my love for singing. I remember he would sing “I’m sorry” by John Denver while I would listen behind a closed door. I remember he would sing it with such passion and sorrow that I would cry, just listening to him. And I had one of the best friends I could ever have. Russ would be the leader of our little two man group, and thank God for that. Without him, I wouldn’t have any adventures of finding lost trinkets no one cared about, or stick fighting in the middle of the night, cause we just finished watching Star Wars: the Phantom Menace, again (say what you want about the movie, I thought that three way fight at the end was pretty freakin’ cool). And I remember my sis would always take care of me. At times it felt like she wasn’t my sis but the mommy and the boss. And my bro . . . . well the memories I have of my bro of him beating me in every videogame imaginable. Damn him! Lol. There so many other memories of friends and family that it's too much to write.

Sometimes you don’t realize that life was good until years later, when you have to watch it be left behind or thrown away or given away. But the memories remain and if you remember that, then you can live with not seeing those things. And you can still keep stuff (I will rock the shit out of the ukulele! Playing stuff like Metallica, BSB, and Green Day. Yeah. Believe it!)

BJB

It might be happening again. . .

Every once in a while, we have to say goodbye to people in our lives. People move on, find new jobs, and start new lives. And you promise each other to keep in touch and to remain friends but sometimes it’s hard. I’ve experienced it a lot. I think we all have. And it’s frustrating when you fight for it and it just doesn’t work out. Hard as you try, it just doesn’t work. And you lose a friend. Or worse, you stop trying because you just don’t see a point in it. You feel like the friendship is over because they aren’t physically there. For someone like me, that’s important. I much rather see someone laugh out loud, then give two cleverly placed letters (I talking about texting LOL). And I much rather see a smiling face then see a “smiley face”. But it’s more than that. I like feeling close to that person. I can hug them, knuckle bump them, hi five them, whatever. So I’m always scared when for whatever reason, I move or someone else moves away from me. Cause I’ve seen that game before. It starts before that person even goes as it becomes hard for the two of us to find time to talk. It becomes so hard that I feel distant from that person, even though they are right there. I end up far away from that person. As much as I don’t want to, as great as my original intentions are, the same thing happens. . .

All these fears have come back cause someone I care about (a lot more than I should) is moving away today. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. I want to say ‘I’ll stay in touch with her’ and ‘We’ll keep our friendship’. But I just don’t know. And it scares me, because I never want to stop being there for her. Have you ever met someone, and you just knew she was important to you and your life? Maybe not like love (Though for me it turned into that) but you just knew that this was someone who God sent into your life for a reason. That’s how I felt and still feel about her. Maybe it’s silly but it’s true. I won’t get into serious details about it now (but I bet a blog will come soon enough) but she has done so much for me and inspired me in a lot of things. I find it hard imagining that she isn’t a well timed text message away from dinner. I find it hard imaging that she won’t be in the same city. I guess with her in the same city I was, I could hold on to a silly illusion that I could somehow change her mind about me. Somehow, I could make her feel the way I feel for her. But I digress. . .

I don’t want to lose her, simply because there is a couple of 1000 miles between us. So I’m going to do what I always do when faced with a situation that seems doomed and hard: I ask those around me for help. So please give me suggestions on what I can do to change what has happened in the past.

For my part, I‘ve already thought of things. Visiting her seems a very logic solution. I’ve already thought of ways to get to where she’s going. But that’s not as economic feasible as I would hope. I won’t give up on the friendship, as I’ve noticed I’ve done that in that past. And I guess using the social media thing is another way. I just worry that MSNing her every Friday might be a bit much (That’s how much I want to do). I’m also going to try to keep positive, though it’s really hard. I miss her so much, and she’s still here. With my past, it’s hard to be positive. But I’ll try for her. I would love to use video calling too. Again though, I don’t know if that’s too much for her.

I don’t know what she’ll do. If my friendship with her means that much to her, I don’t know. At times, she has disappeared on me already in our friendship and as much as I stay positive, it takes a toll on me, not feeling that closeness I mentioned above. I’ve always felt we rely too much on texting and MSN to gain a close friendship instead of actually hanging out together.  Now that’s all we will have. Will it be enough? It’s silly, I know. We’re just friends. But she means a lot to me and I just don’t want to just watch out friendship die. I don’t want to lose her, just because she’s 1000 miles away.

So again, any suggestions?

Hey y'all

I love writing. I love how it can change moods and make people feel good, or whatever emotion you want. But the biggest thing I like about it is the way it can say all those things you can’t seem to say out loud. Particularly song writing and poetry (though I can't really remember the last time I wrote poetry . . . though song writing is a form of poetry. . .).

So for my first post, I would like to share with you one of the new songs that I wrote.

I wrote the song for a friend who is leaving soon for Lake Louise. She means a lot to me, and I must admit, she and her life seems a constant inspiration for writing songs. I don’t know why, just I can think of songs pretty quick when I think about or hang out with her. Whatever the case, I owe a lot to her as her constant changing and improving her own life made me examine and improve my own. For the record, she only ever a friend . . .

“Because of You” 

I find God in everything I do
And I’m writing almost every day
I smile all day for no reason at all
And I speak the truth no matter what I say

I always have a reason to write a new song
And I know now the reason I sing
I understand a lot of songs now
And I feel like I can do anything

If you ask me what has changed?
Why is everything brand new?
It’s because of you

Chorus
It’s because you walked into my life
Told me that I was alright
It’s the way you always tell me
That you believe in me
I will be strong
Even when you’re gone
It’s because of your love
It’s because of your heart
It’s because of everything you do
It’s because of you

I know that love’s coming my way
And I’ve learned to be a better man
And when the clouds come rolling in
I know now I need to lend a hand

I’ve learned that love needs expression
Or else it will pass you by
And I’ve learned you gotta take a risk
If you wanna change you have to try

Do wanna know why I’m a different man?
Why I look brand new?
It’s because of you

Chorus

Bridge

It doesn’t matter if you’re 1000 miles away
Your love will remain
And even if I don’t see you again
I’ll love you all the same

Chorus

Well, that’s it. Hope you guys enjoy it.

A quick note about Osama Bin Laden’s death. While I’m glad that his reign of terror is over, it bothers me that people are so happy that’s he’s dead. I would of loved to see him captured and fully paying for his crimes. But maybe that was too risky. Perhaps it was the only way. Still, someone’s death, while necessary, isn’t something to celebrate, no matter who it is. Also, while his death is important, the war will not be over. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone takes over his position. What happens then?  Just my opinion.

However, I want to make clear: I am happy that his reign of terror is over. For many, it brought closure to something they have been feeling for years. And it's a constant reminder that those who do wrong eventually come to justice, no matter how hard they try to escape it.

BJB