Hi Y'all
Back in January, I called 2011 the Year of Change. So far it has not failed to disappoint.
Here's the thing that has changed in the last 8 months:
1) I changed jobs: I can't decide if this was a good change or a bad change. I do enjoy the new job and I was getting bored with my old job. I did think and still do think I needed a change, but I guess my ego isn't adapting to this new job. In every job I've always been one of the key players, a important part of the puzzle. I felt important and needed and as a result, I felt like I was doing a good job. Not here. I feel like another piece of the cog, wanted but needed. It's a small thing, but when I go on vacation, it's no big deal, cause I don't specialize in anything. I know so much but the master of none. Anyone goes on vacation, there is a big thing of who's covering what. One time my boss said in a group meeting, jokingly of course: 'Oh and next week BJ is going on vacation. . .so nothing really changes. . .but the week after blahblah is going on vacation, so BJ will have to do his job'. In any other department, me leaving on vacation would cause some stir. Not here. I thought it was just the fact that I wasn't working hard enough or good enough, so I tried harder, worked harder, shut up during work hours, even grew a more serious attitude, and I did get better. But I still feel out of place, and not truly needed, thus I don't feel truly valued. So I decided I would help others do there job, learn from them, and get better that way. But it still doesn't make me feel different. It's hard being Mr. Helpful when no one seems to care. . .and sometimes people don't need nor want my help.
2) I changed my home address. You think I would be either like 'This a good change' or 'This is a bad change' but honestly I'm on the fence. I guess it still hasn't sunk in yet. I wonder if this happens to others. On one hand, yes I'm very glad I have a place of my own, but right now, it's not really my own. My dad and mom still live with me as they figure out what to do with their retirement. So I still don't have my own place, though it's under my name, and the bills are under my name too. So I don't feel a lot has changed. On the other side, the idea that I go to a different house, and I need an elevator and a FOB to get home are big fat reminders everything has changed. . .someday it will hit me and I'll blog about it. Stay tuned. (I wonder if I'll get more people following waiting for that one blog entry. . .hmmm. . .)
3) I changed my pet status. We had to put down my dog. It's funny. I never wanted the dog to start out with. I didn't want to take care of it. I knew what a huge responsibility it was having a dog and I neither thought I was ready nor wanted that responsibility. And yet, knowing that he is gone almost brings a tear to my eyes. Neo, I'll see you in heaven. Just try not to take a dump in my place in heaven. I pretty sure they frown upon cursing out dogs up there. . .or maybe dog shit doesn't stick to your shoes up there. . .heaven indeed. . .
4) I changed a friendship status. A very close and dear friend has left for Alberta, leaving me very sad. Not just because I lost a very close friend who i felt I could talk with about anything. It's because I lost someone I really felt for and to be honest I had to realize that her leaving was the big sign that she isn't for me, at least not the me or her we are right now. It took me months after she left and another long chat over this thing called the “internet” for it finally to sink in. I won't lie. I still harbour some remote feelings for her and in those gaps of awakeness during those sleepless nights, her face crosses my mind. But I'm getting better at shaking her off. And soon I'll only remember her as a friend, not as the someone I had to let go so she could follow a dream. Chase your California dream Sel.
5) I changed who I call friend. I have developed a strong friendship with people I never knew I would. They have become a great source of love and happiness. Thank God for people like Maria who has such a happy, positive attitude that it's so easy to smile around her. Thank God for people like Mike, who is the most straight talking, easy talking, good natured fella I've ever met. Thank God for Rene. . .cause we all need a little Barney in our lives (Respect Broda). Thank God for kids like Jacob, who just has too much fun then really the law should allow (if only he would stop being scared. . .). And thank God for Maya who like her mom, just makes it way too easy to smile around her. And thank God for Anna, who has some unbelievable patience for a dorky, nerdy guy like myself, and still has room to laugh at my jokes. Thank God for Jill who likes to remind me that it's okay to wanna be a big kid and it's okay to want to shoot nerf balls at kids (but only they fire first. . .). Along with my other friends that I've always had, they makes life a lot easier than it has any right to be.
This is just a snippet of the changes in my life. As a result, I have changed. In some ways, I've become more serious, dare I say, a downer, a man who looks for approval from anywhere and everywhere. In some ways, I've become stronger, finally understanding what my brother said: 'The only person looking out for you is you'. In some ways, I've become desperate, trying to replace something I've lost with all this change. In other ways, I've become more thoughtful, understanding that the world is bigger than just me and I need to be part of it, not just watch it as it passes by.
I don't know what will happen in the next four months, Maybe I'll get a girlfriend (That's good). Or maybe I'll lose another friend (that's bad). Maybe my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's good), but then my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's bad). Maybe I'll get a bigger role at work (That's good), but maybe I won't and still be a forgotten, unvalued member of the team (that's bad). Maybe the Four Horsemen will come and the Apocolypse will begin, bring hell and heaven unto to Earth for the deadly battle for our souls. (Fuck a Duck, B! What?) But I do know that when January 1, 2012 comes around, I will be different man. Who knows what I'll be. I don't even know if I'll like the new me. But this is what needs to happen to me, so I will embrace it. And I will be a better man.
And if it's bad, I have lots a friend and family who will kick the shit out of me to bring me back to reality. Ah friends and family. There's no one else I would want to kick my ass than them.
BJB
