2012: The year I saw the bright side.

Dec 31, 2012.

I am begging for this day to come. Desperate for it actually.

Not because I have a killer party to attend. Or because I have an unbelievable girl to kiss.

No. The biggest reason I'm looking forward to this day is simply. It's the last day of the 2012. If I can survive one more day, this year will be done. I can look at it from the past tense, instead of a present tense, and hopefully move on.

2012, as you can see, hasn't been too kind to me. I've went through another a job change, and all the changes that I went through a year ago seemed to have overwhelmed this year. I am not ashamed to admit it beat me some days. Made me cry to sleep. Frustrate me to the point where everything I saw was red. I never dreamed nightmares would come true, but there were times this year where I felt in a nightmare.

But it's funny how as I thought about this blog, I realized that this year, despite the low blows, the tears, the frustration, the losses, had some good things. This post was going to be like my 2011: The Year Everything Changed post. A blog about how things have changed and how it's affecting me. But instead I'm going to focus on the positive. And hopefully, this will be what carries over to the next year.

My first positive is the people.

More than any other year of my life, I relied heavily on the people around me. These people have rescued me from myself and brought a light into my life I never thought about before now. I would like to list a few now.

Lorna, for her friendship and strength, when at times I felt I had none of my own. She has helped me more time than I care to admit, and for absolutely nothing in return except to bring back that smile to my face.

Lily, for her positive attitude and kindness. She has been a constant light this whole year, and her friendship and her attitude has helped me so much and has been around me so much that I dare say, she's starting to become one of my best friends. Explaining how much she has helped me would take a whole blog, all on its own.

Darren and Andi, for, well everything. No one has given more to me than these two, particularly Darren. Whenever he saw the frown on my face, the sadness creep in, he didn't run. He stayed and asked to help. He would talk when others would leave, not knowing what to do.

Tess, Nola, Cioni, Derrick, Shalesh, Timi and all those I have the pleasure of working with. No m
atter what the day may bring, I have these people around me for 8 hours a day, making any day better. Sometimes it doesn't look like it but trust me they do.

These are only a small list of the new people who have helped. The list would be a lot longer if I included the people who have always helped me like Russ, Steve, Arn, Arlene, Peter, Ollie, Ry-Ry, Mom, Dad, Maria, Mike, J-Man, Maya, Christine, Rene, and so on and so forth.

The other positive is my experiences. This year I have experienced a lot and you know, not all of them were half bad. Like for example. . .

The experience of seeing a new member of the family. Oh lil Rosie. You are a beautiful thing. If you turned out half as strong as your mother, or half as smart as your dad, you will truly be one of the greatest people of all time. I hope to see you grow, even from so far away.

The experience of visiting Australia. Sydney has one of the most beautiful sites to see in the world. It is also one of the most calming, relaxing cities I ever been to. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to experience it.

The experience of losing weight. 50 lbs. That is how much I've lost since last year. The thought of it boggles my mind. I would have never thought I could get that far. And the thought that I'm still losing weight, that I am, according to science, no longer obese, makes me smile bright and makes me proud of my accomplishment.

The experience of living on my own. This was a good/bad experience but I like it because above all else, it made me appreciate my parents more. And the people around me. It was lonely up there in that condo, despite my best efforts to not have it so. But now I think the Lord every night for my parents and the sacrifices they made and my friends, for the role they play in my life.

2012. A nightmare of a year. It's funny how nightmares always bring with it a lesson. I guess the lesson is no matter how bad it is, there is a bright side. A side that can give you hope. A side that tells you that if you just keep with it, you will be alright.

And for that lesson, 2012, I thank you.

What I wanna be proud of when I'm 90. . .

Recent events has made me question what I'm doing with my life. I guess with my parents moving away and retiring in the Phillipines and my sister moving to go to Australia, my friend having a new baby, my other firend getting married, and changes in general in my own life have stuck a chord. So where does one go for answers? The Bible? Priest? God? The dude on top of the mountain? Wuotes from Ghandi? Random Vancouver homeless dude? Hell no. I went to the internet! (Though a lot internet links lead you back to those answers above) And as always I found how much I want an answer cause it starts off with long articles about how you to change your life. But the funny thing, they just say you need to be like this. They never explain how. Until I got to a site called simplethinknow.com. A good site that is like a blog like this but you know with people who know what they atalking about. Cause who wants to read someone's weird rant about stuff he found on the internet (That's you, ain't it? Don't worry. At least you're not the crazy dude ranting. . .) So what did I discover? I want to help people and make a difference. Surprised? If so, you don't know me well. But then again, that's why you be here right? No biggie right? But the how I want to do this is surprising. It's not that I didn't think music could make a differecne. It's madea huge difference in mine. Songwriting has giving me a chance to explain things I could never explain without. Singing has given me hope when I fell into the dark holes that I sometiems fall into. And the right song can make me run another km when I just wanna collpase in a heap to make me smile when the worst is the only thought left in my head. But could I make a difference in this world with music? Would it matter? Am I that good? Then my friend helped me see that maybe being good enough may not be the point. The point is I go for it. The point is finding a purpose in life. To try and do something, cause it's really hard to make a difference when you don't try. When fear pushes you down and you don't get up. And haveing a purpose is the first step to making a difference. So I have a purpose. What now? Well, I guess that's a story for a different blog. If I feel like wrting it, cause you know, I'm a lazy ass. . .word. BJB

Blogging from T-Dot!

Hey y'all

So I'm doing my first travel blog! I'm here in the lovely city of Toronto (well, Mississauga to be exact.) visiting relatives and relaxing.

Just got here two days ago, so really haven't done much except go to Downtown Toronto, take some pics, and go to the Eaton Centre. I can understand why some people don't like it (crowded, too big, too many stores, too expensive), but it had everything I needed (A food court, a Chapters/Indigo, a Starbucks, and shops we don't see in Vancouver. Even got some Christmas/Birthday shopping done. For the record, now that I've got to Abercombie and Finch, I realize now that Lily was right. It is waaaaaaaaay too expensive!! Even at 30% off!

Beyond that, I've been spending a lot of time with relatives. They were so kind enough that they had a big dinner on the first night I came in (Sunday). Chicken, wings, salad, beef, pork, crab, cupcakes, pizza from Little Caesars. Everything but lumpia (spring rolls). But don't worry. I got my lumpia fix the next night. Big ups to my Uncle Mandy and Tita Zaida for letting us stay at their place. Big ups to Neil for letting his older, less cool, and totally better looking cousin hang with him. Gonna to a dog's birthday party with him and his gf on Friday. And no. Celebrating a dog's birthday is not weird.

Despite all this, I do find myself missing Vancouver. Mostly the people. I miss my co-workers, particularly Joz and Lily, as I hang with those two the most. I call them my twin sisters haha. And they call me their brother. I miss my crew, Russ, Steve, Mike and Maria. And lil Jacob and Maya. Miss my bed and Optik TV (No NHL Network here! I NEED MY CANUCK FIX!) But I'm sure that missing feeling will pass soon enough.

Beyond that, nothing is really happening in my life. I just wanted to write something so those who are at home know I'm ok and I am having fun. Also so I keep up with this whole write a blog per month.

Wait. It's been a whole month. Didn't something interesting happen to me in that month?. . .nope.

Couple things I still need to do:
1) Go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Cause just have never been there.
2) Go to the Royal Ontario Museum. Cause they got this cool Mayas exhibit that deals with their calendar and 2012. Which has a little bit to do with my book. Exciting!
3) Find a few gifts/candy to bring back to Vancouver. Cause that's what I do. Maybe I can find some more cool gifts for Christmas.

Well, off to see my Grandma. I wonder if she's gonna tell me to "Not be like your brother. FIND A GIRLFRIEND." Yes. That was an actual quote from her. You should have seen her eyes. . .

See you Sunday, Vancouver! Just in time for the Grey Cup!

BJB

Happy Thanksgiving (week. . .for Canadians. . .I got lazy)

So thanksgiving was last week up in here in the great country of Canada. And I've been holding on to this blog ever since then. Not because I didn't have anything to be thankful for. I just wanted to make sure I said the words I wanted to say. Being vocally or publicly grateful is something I never was good at. I appreciated things and all that jazz but I always just said thanks. I didn't just want to do that here. I wanted to say something important and why I am so thankful for the below.

So let's do this!

1. God. He can move mountains, tear down walls, and protects all of us from evil. He's such a busy dude/dudette/entity, watching over the world, and yet he somehow has time to bless me with these amazing gifts, like friends and family who love me, people who care about me, and a life I can be proud of. I am so grateful for each and everyone of his blessings.
2. Mom and Dad. They worked so hard to get the old house sold and to help me into my new house. With all this change, they still remain the fun loving, caring parents that I've always known. I'm so thankful for their hard work and effort. Not just keeping my place in order, but also for the effort they have given in understanding and getting closer to me in the last year.
3. My bro and sis. In a time of crisis and confusion, they stood tall for me and always reached out a hand to lift me up. They tried to protect me, make sure I made the right decisions, and I am so grateful that they were around. It's so good knowing that I have such strong pillars to lean on when I'm in trouble. It's so good knowing I can trust and rely on them.
4. Neo. The only pet I ever had, maybe ever will. I am so grateful for that dog. He always made me smile when I saw him, even near the end of his days. I will always remember the dog that ran into my room, jumped on my bed, and licked me until I woke up and scared him off. But not before he would looked back me, almost to say 'I got ya. I got ya good' and then leave me a stinky present in my room. Run and poop free boy. Run and poop free.
5. Olivia & Ryan; Jacob & Maya. 4 of the cutest, funniest, exciting, wreckless, goofy, happiest, smartest, good looking, craziest, nicest, greatest, and amazing kids I have ever known. I am so grateful that I can go to any of them, and know that within seconds, I'll forget whatever bad day I was having. They make me remember how happy life is, if you just put everything into perspective.
6. Aurora, Madi, Michelle, Natalie, and Justin. I have found one of the best starbucks around. It's on the corner of Howe and Robson, and has five of the greatest barista I have ever known (Update: Now only 2. Three of the above have left). I am so grateful for their friendliness, laughter, and willingness to give me free coffee every oncer in a while. It always be one of my favorite places to go.
7. Russ and Anna. I am so grateful to these two. They are a constant reminder to me that love still happens. It still a strong force that can't be denied. But they remind me that it takes work and effort and compromise and giving and taking and doing and forgiving and a bunch of other verbs I can't type right now. But when you find the right person, it doesn't take much for you to do it. I hope one day I can have a relationship half as good as theirs.
8. Steve, Maria and Mike, Jill, Original Michelle, Rene, Derek, Rosey, Bal, Marky, Soon and Jabeen. Good friends are hard to find. But God has decided I need about 10 of them to keep me from breaking apart. So I am so thankful to call these people my friends. From the gifts and the help when I'm in over my head, to simply just calling me to hang out, and being there to make me smile. I don't know what I did to earn friends like these, but I'm glad I have them.

7. Darren, Lily, Jozz, Derrick, Ciony, Shalesh, Nola and Tess. Work can be the hardest thing to wake up for. It can be the biggest stress in your life. So thank God I have people like the ones above to keep me smiling, and laughing and to make coming to work worthwhile. I am so grateful for these people. They make me wanna work hard, and help whenever I can (even sometimes when I can't), and stay late if they need me. Hell, I often think they are the reason I would work for. . .I won't say it cause I like being paid. But you get the idea. Again, I don't know what the hell I did to have such amazing people in my life, but I am so grateful they are there.
8. Selena and Andrew. Two of my closest friends who also live so far away from me. I still can't believe they remembered me. I'm a very easy to forget person, but they still keep in touch, making me smile with there LMAOs and LOLs and HAHAs. I miss them, but I know I don't miss as much as I do others. Cause they are still a part of my life, and I am so grateful for them for putting in that effort. It means so much to me, I don't think they will ever know.
9. My book. Cause I just didn't want to talk about people that I know, I thought I would mention this. Many a childhood dream have died before my feet, never to be seen again or accomplished. But I am so grateful that time and effort was spent on making this one come true. I am so close to making it a reality. A few more chapters to edit and it's ready for a professional to read and break apart with his or her red pen. . .but then I can say 'Screw you! I'm keeping true to myself! I'm keeping all those 'Justin Bieber needs a kick to face' jokes in and it's gonna sell millions!!!!
   For the record, No Justin Biebers were hurt doing the production of my novel. . .
   Yet

So there it is. Took me a good half an hour to write. Hope you enjoy and sorry it took so long to post.

Just a quick story I wanna share. I guess one more thing I'm grateful for. When I was in grade 1 (So what 6, 7, 8 years old), I came home from a particular great day from school. I made everyone laugh and smile and did good things, and even made my teacher laugh so hard, she almost spilled her water. So I thought to myself, in that childhood way, maybe that's why I'm here on Earth. Maybe I'm here to make people smile, whether be through jokes, or laughter, or good deeds or just acting stupid. Maybe that's my purpose in life. Why God put me on this Earth? And to this day, I have never found a better purpose in life.

Peace out, love ya, and don't stop (pause) believing (awesome guitar solo engaged)

BJB

Whoa there! It's not all bad!

 Hi y'all

I read the two comments from my last blog. They were from great friends from far away. After reading them, I realized maybe, just maybe, I was a little too negative with my blog. The point of the blog wasn't to say 'Oh woe is me. Look at the change I must go through', but more to say 'This is what happened this year. Good, bad, or draw, it's what I'm dealing with right now.'

But I thought to myself, if two of my friends, who don't even live where I live and hardly ever see or talk to, are worried, what must those who are near me think? So let's get positive, shall we? This blog is about pointing out all the good things in my life right now.

1. My weight. I feel very proud of myself to say I've lost 20 lbs over the last year. I am working really hard to lose more, and who knows? With a little luck and some hard work, I will. Big shout out to Darren and Christina, two people who never laughed at my weight, but saw the athlete beneath the belly full of donuts.

2. My book. I feel a great accomplishment in saying I finished writing my blog. I still have a long way to go until you get to see it in a bookstore near you, but to say I finished writing it and am almost done with my first edit, is a great feeling.

3. My relationships. For too long, I've been passive in my relationships with my family, friends, and girls. I've always thought that it was never my fault if things went bad. I never tried hard to maintain the relationship cause I took for granted that they would always be there. It might be the reason why at times I feel very alone. I realize now that was a mistake. The God gave these people around me to love as I would like to be loved. To give love to them as a way to express my love for Him. And I realize now that sometimes people leave. A friend always tell me 'Don't worry'. I've never told it to her, but I rather worry too much and work too hard to show love, then not worry or give enough. I never want someone to question if I care for them, or if I love them. And I never want to feel alone again. It was hard, and I started with my friends, cause it felt like an easier place to start. But I like to think that it has spread in all aspects of my life.

4. Talking to girls. Yes. I know I still am one shy little boy when it comes to this. But I have realized that I can actually talk to girls, and not sound like an idiot, or love struck, or a 13 year old kids just discover that girls have boobies (heehee). Somewhere between the girls who just wanted to be friends to those girl who just straight up rejected me to the girls who were just being polite, I developed something that might be very close to confidence. Yes. It's weird for me too. And I still have moments when I'm just standing there, not knowing what to say. But for someone who has always said he was a shy person, the fact that I was able to talk to girls (and people in general now) without getting scared is huge for me. And as a result, I feel good about myself. So if given me more confidence. Isn't that awesome?

On a slightly related topic, I now have actual wants and don't wants when it comes girls. I've never really had that. So just cause a girl is cute and nice to me, it doesn't mean I'll go after her. I get to know girls, become their friends, and isn't that what you should do first, right?

If you wanna know (say maybe to hook me up with a single friend), I want passionate about something (work or hobby), environmentally conscience, and someone who listens to my stupid rants, and laughs at the end. So if you're a single female and reading this blog, (which is essentially, a long stupid rant) then we be off to a good start.

5. Changed jobs. Now hold on. Don't flip out. I know I said this wasn't exactly a good thing, but I would like to point out the good that came out this. I made two good friends with Derrick and Gino, along with reconnecting with friends Darren, Tess, Lorna, Jozz and Nola. I've met some great people who I can totally see being friends in Shalesh and Lily and Ciony. And now that I've worked harder and gotten better, i do feel better about my job and my role (Though I still feel a little like I'm on the outside looking in as far as team).

One thing I've always believed in that joy always comes in the little things. It sometimes hard to spot when you feel like the big things are trying to kick you the balls and try to keep you up at night. And then you write a blog like my last one. But it's not what brings you down, it's what pick you up when you're down that matters. And keeping an eye on the little good things makes it easier to see the big good things. I hope one day I only see good, and only worry about things I can do something about so I can go change them, but til them, I have this blog to remind me that in a time full of change and the frustration that can bring, I got better. It's like I downloaded a beta version from the internet. It came with some bugs but the BJ 5000 is now in solid, good working order, sent back through time to be legen. . .wait for it. . .wait for it. , ,I hope you're still waiting, cause then this would just looks silly. Hmm could stuff like this be the reason people get annoyed with me?. . .wait for it. . .dary. That's spelled Legendary for those who didn't see it.

BJB

2011: The Year Everything Changed.

Hi Y'all

Back in January, I called 2011 the Year of Change. So far it has not failed to disappoint.

Here's the thing that has changed in the last 8 months:

1) I changed jobs: I can't decide if this was a good change or a bad change. I do enjoy the new job and I was getting bored with my old job. I did think and still do think I needed a change, but I guess my ego isn't adapting to this new job. In every job I've always been one of the key players, a important part of the puzzle. I felt important and needed and as a result, I felt like I was doing a good job. Not here. I feel like another piece of the cog, wanted but needed. It's a small thing, but when I go on vacation, it's no big deal, cause I don't specialize in anything. I know so much but the master of none. Anyone goes on vacation, there is a big thing of who's covering what. One time my boss said in a group meeting, jokingly of course: 'Oh and next week BJ is going on vacation. . .so nothing really changes. . .but the week after blahblah is going on vacation, so BJ will have to do his job'. In any other department, me leaving on vacation would cause some stir. Not here. I thought it was just the fact that I wasn't working hard enough or good enough, so I tried harder, worked harder, shut up during work hours, even grew a more serious attitude, and I did get better. But I still feel out of place, and not truly needed, thus I don't feel truly valued. So I decided I would help others do there job, learn from them, and get better that way. But it still doesn't make me feel different. It's hard being Mr. Helpful when no one seems to care. . .and sometimes people don't need nor want my help.

2) I changed my home address. You think I would be either like 'This a good change' or 'This is a bad change' but honestly I'm on the fence. I guess it still hasn't sunk in yet. I wonder if this happens to others. On one hand, yes I'm very glad I have a place of my own, but right now, it's not really my own. My dad and mom still live with me as they figure out what to do with their retirement. So I still don't have my own place, though it's under my name, and the bills are under my name too. So I don't feel a lot has changed. On the other side, the idea that I go to a different house, and I need an elevator and a FOB to get home are big fat reminders everything has changed. . .someday it will hit me and I'll blog about it. Stay tuned. (I wonder if I'll get more people following waiting for that one blog entry. . .hmmm. . .)

3) I changed my pet status. We had to put down my dog. It's funny. I never wanted the dog to start out with. I didn't want to take care of it. I knew what a huge responsibility it was having a dog and I neither thought I was ready nor wanted that responsibility. And yet, knowing that he is gone almost brings a tear to my eyes. Neo, I'll see you in heaven. Just try not to take a dump in my place in heaven. I pretty sure they frown upon cursing out dogs up there. . .or maybe dog shit doesn't stick to your shoes up there. . .heaven indeed. . .

4) I changed a friendship status. A very close and dear friend has left for Alberta, leaving me very sad. Not just because I lost a very close friend who i felt I could talk with about anything. It's because I lost someone I really felt for and to be honest I had to realize that her leaving was the big sign that she isn't for me, at least not the me or her we are right now. It took me months after she left and another long chat over this thing called the “internet” for it finally to sink in. I won't lie. I still harbour some remote feelings for her and in those gaps of awakeness during those sleepless nights, her face crosses my mind. But I'm getting better at shaking her off. And soon I'll only remember her as a friend, not as the someone I had to let go so she could follow a dream. Chase your California dream Sel.

5) I changed who I call friend. I have developed a strong friendship with people I never knew I would. They have become a great source of love and happiness. Thank God for people like Maria who has such a happy, positive attitude that it's so easy to smile around her. Thank God for people like Mike, who is the most straight talking, easy talking, good natured fella I've ever met. Thank God for Rene. . .cause we all need a little Barney in our lives (Respect Broda). Thank God for kids like Jacob, who just has too much fun then really the law should allow (if only he would stop being scared. . .). And thank God for Maya who like her mom, just makes it way too easy to smile around her. And thank God for Anna, who has some unbelievable patience for a dorky, nerdy guy like myself, and still has room to laugh at my jokes. Thank God for Jill who likes to remind me that it's okay to wanna be a big kid and it's okay to want to shoot nerf balls at kids (but only they fire first. . .). Along with my other friends that I've always had, they makes life a lot easier than it has any right to be.

This is just a snippet of the changes in my life. As a result, I have changed. In some ways, I've become more serious, dare I say, a downer, a man who looks for approval from anywhere and everywhere. In some ways, I've become stronger, finally understanding what my brother said: 'The only person looking out for you is you'. In some ways, I've become desperate, trying to replace something I've lost with all this change. In other ways, I've become more thoughtful, understanding that the world is bigger than just me and I need to be part of it, not just watch it as it passes by.

I don't know what will happen in the next four months, Maybe I'll get a girlfriend (That's good). Or maybe I'll lose another friend (that's bad). Maybe my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's good), but then my sister will move to Aussie Land (That's bad). Maybe I'll get a bigger role at work (That's good), but maybe I won't and still be a forgotten, unvalued member of the team (that's bad). Maybe the Four Horsemen will come and the Apocolypse will begin, bring hell and heaven unto to Earth for the deadly battle for our souls. (Fuck a Duck, B! What?) But I do know that when January 1, 2012 comes around, I will be different man. Who knows what I'll be. I don't even know if I'll like the new me. But this is what needs to happen to me, so I will embrace it. And I will be a better man.

And if it's bad, I have lots a friend and family who will kick the shit out of me to bring me back to reality. Ah friends and family. There's no one else I would want to kick my ass than them.

BJB

The Five Love Languages: Chapter 3

Hi Y'all

Welcome to Chapter 3 blog to the 'The Five Love Languages: Single's Edition'. Wow. It seems to really believe in how you treat your family as where it all starts. Something to keep in mind.

1) To what degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?

About 50% of the time I needed it. Sometimes they would be encouraging and helpful. But sometimes I felt when I needed a positive word, I got advice I didn't ask for. I know that there way of showing they care, but I would gladly trade that advice for a positive word or two. So instead of feeling better, I felt as if I had another demand of me or another thing to think and worry about.

2) Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?

I sometimes find it easy, and other times hard. Sometimes its hard cause I get frustrated with the advice and the questions. I feel like they don't trust me. Sometimes it's easy. I guess those are the times where I do it without feeling hurt or frustrated.

3) If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to to speak those words to your parents?

Yes. I gueiss it would. Soon it will be harder to get in touch with them so if I don't start now, I may never get the chance. Plus, it might be the only love language will be able to do, considering we will communicate with video chat. On a personal lever, I find that this is one of my primary languages, so if I can convince my parents to speak this language, then I think I might be able to see their languages. Sometimes I'm just so tired that I just ignore chances to let them show love.

4) How freely express words of affirmation in other relationships?

I try to do it as frequently as I can, especially now cause I realize it's an important language to me. I guess I might try a little bit too hard at it, as it's a natural love languages. I like hearing it though. In a short time I started using it more, I discoverd how much I long for these words myself. I like how it's becoming more natural.

5) Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking words of affirmation would be meaningful to that person?

Yes. A few actually. I don't know if words of affirmation. Some seem to not have changed, while others have gotten worse (clearly words of affirmation isn't a primary love language). I guess I'm still learning this language and them as well. Others have enhanced a little. I think everyoen likes hearing these words and I never realized how my words could hurt someone until seeing these books. At the very least I feel more comfortable saying these words. And when I would miss those words, or just forget they said those words, I remember them now and it's really neat to see how many words of affirmation I do receive. I hope if I keep trying I will continue to get better at it and get better relationship out of it too.

That's it. Stay tuned for Chapter 4.

BJB