I’m a single adult. And I’ve been struggling and/or trying to change that for a while now. I always believed that love is hard work, and showing love and being kind is a lot harder than showing hatred and being cruel. So in my attempts to find love and give love a ‘fighting’ chance in my life, I’ve started reading books by a man named Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor.
Dr. Chapman wrote a book about the ‘5 Love Languages’. It talks about how each of us gives and receives love in a primary certain language. Some give and receive love by giving compliments, and giving positive words (This is called ‘Words of Affirmation’). Some spend an evening at home, or go to special events with those they love (‘Quality Time’). Giving and receiving small gifts of appreciation is another way people express love (‘Gift giving’). When you do things for others, like fix their computer or help watch the dishes at a friend’s BBQ, that’s another language of love (‘Acts of Service’). Finally, some people feel loved when they are hugged and hi fived than receiving words or acts (‘Touch’). You may receive love in two or three or all of these ways, but usually only one or two really make you feel good inside.
I have read many of his books. My first book was about how God speaks all those love languages. It really made me feel that God is all around us and is showing us with love every day, if we just listen. The second book was how you can use kindness, and honesty to express those five love languages. After reading both books, I really felt a desire to change my life to bring in more love and a belief that I could make that change and I could start right now.
My most recent book I have of him is using those five love languages and how it can be used to help singles adults in their lives. I thought it might make an interesting blog (or set of them) if we went through the book together, you and I. Now I’m not gonna go do a chapter by chapter synopsis. But after every chapter, he gives us ‘Things to Think About’. These are a series of questions that we would answer alone. Instead I will share those thoughts with you.
Why am I doing this? I guess I hope that if I do this, I will be honest with myself at least. I find when I write I don’t really hide anything from myself. And it would be nice to see that I’m not alone in my struggles to find love and be able to better express and receive it (Comment please!). Finally, I hope somewhere and someone, what I write here will make a difference in their lives.
Feel free to answer these questions alone or if you feeling extra brave, please answer them in the comment section below. If after doing all of this, you felt it was a good read, then I guess I got something really worth while out of this.
Question 1: To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?
I feel like I am loved by a very high degree by those people (let’s give an 8 to 10/10 shall we?). Both my family and my friends have shown me great encouragement and forgiveness and kindness and honesty in their relationship with me. I do feel sometimes that they kind of shower me with love in all kinds of love languages, even the ones that don’t really speak to me. So sometimes their attempts of love fall short. Mostly, I feel that I’ve haven’t given them enough love, which is one reason why I decided to read this book.
Question 2: In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend in such a way that made you say ‘I don’t think I would have made it without her/him’. If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
Yes. I was lucky enough to have so many people try and help me and show their love for me in these situations. One particular friend constantly has been there and always makes these situations a lot easier. One way that really makes me feel loved is when these people let me talk about my feelings and thoughts about the situation. Just knowing that I can trust them with these thoughts and feelings makes me feel valued and loved.
Question 3: Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?
Yes. I showed my love by making sure I took the time to be there for my friend. If they wanted to talk, we would. Or if they just wanted someone to listen, I would. I really wanted to make sure I was there for them in whatever they needed me to do.
Question 4: How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
I felt I’ve done ‘good’ at it. Sometimes I really get it right and people feel how much I love it. Sometimes though, I feel I fell really short. Recent events have made me think maybe I need to take a look at how I give and receive emotional love, even to my friends and my family.
Question 5: How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?
Very interested because I want to let those who are close to me to know how much I love them. I remember someone once told me I was a very ‘lovable’ person. I want everyone to think that. I also believe that if I can show love to those around me, maybe I can find that romantic love I’ve been looking for.
Thanks for reading and whenever I get to chapter 2 questions I will do another blog.
Question 1: To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you feel 8-10 on that scale. I'm more of a pessimist. I feel a bit less overall, deep inside, but I always tell myself that it is much higher. I guess part of that is my own insecurity. While expressing it is tough, I think there are other ways that are not always seen/recognized by others.
Question 2: In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend in such a way that made you say ‘I don’t think I would have made it without her/him’. If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
I know what you mean by having one friend to help. Unfortunately, I don't really think of just one friend anymore. I try to think of many. I only wish I didn't let down certain friends whom I did let down. Regrets suck.
Question 3: Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?
From what you said in the other 2 questions, I don't think I gave enough. I know I have been there for some friends, but not others. It's tough to be there for all of your friends equally and fairly. I do try my best though, but sometimes you gotta love yourself too. If that makes any sense.
Question 4: How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
I think I've been successful enough, but not sure how to define emotional love. In receiving it, I guess so. You have been cool enough to show lots of it. Lots of "touch love" with fist bumps and high fives. If anything, I'd say you are mainly physical with your love.
Question 5: How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?
Not that interested as I'm too damn busy. :) However, experience brings understanding. I prefer to learn new things via life experiences. I try to learn via the net and other ways of learning, but reflecting on my experiences and making a change in my own personal life is more important. Love comes with that too.
I'll try to keep up with your posts too. Can't think of being a friend if I just read this and not reply with my own answers.
Thanks for the comment and thanks for answering the questions!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be there for someone when they live so far away. Like sometimes I wonder if I'm there for you. I guess you are right about me giving physical signs of love (ie fist bumps and hifives), so that's really hard to show when someone is physically far away.
And I think 'emotional love' is the feeling of love and being loved. It's funny. THe book doesn't really explain it haha.
And I agree with learning that way. I guess I got the book cause I didn't know where to start looking and reflecting.
Thanks again.
BJB