Missing something. . .

Hey Y’all

I wrote a previous blog about how a close friend was leaving. We are doing fine but I find myself missing some things in particular.

We were pretty good at talking about stuff. We could chat about a lot of stuff. I must admit, I loved it when it got personal, when we talk about her exs and her struggles and, to a lesser extent, my own struggles. She would always thank me after for letting her ‘rant’. I missed that feeling of trust, and I always felt like I was helping her in some way. Maybe talking it out, saying out loud, helped her sort it out in her head. I find myself wanting that again. Someone to trust me with stuff like that.

I also miss having someone admittedly from the opposite sex to have dinner with. I liked having dinner with my friend. We seemed to really enjoy each other’s company and I felt really close to her during those nights. I find myself wanting that too. Someone to do that stuff with.

I find myself acting differently around a new girl at work, and I think it’s for this reason. I really think it’s not anything about her, but really what she could represent. She could be that filler in. I don’t know why I think that. I just do. It was nice, having someone who would trust me with those personal things. It has great having someone who would let me help them with their problems. I felt very proud of myself for being that for my friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if maybe her willingness to talk about those things with me made me read a few signals wrong and think she actually liked me back. Now that it is gone, it makes me a bit sad. I miss it and, very selfishly, I want it back.

I barely know anything about the girl at work but I find myself trying too hard to impress her. And trying too hard to make sure she’s okay. And trying too hard to make sure I talk to her every day. Just trying too hard in general. It kind of freaks me out cause instead of being that kind, caring, goofy, funny me, I feel I’m coming off more like arrogant, cocky, needy, self-centered, and even a bit rude. I don’t like that. It must be hard already for her. It’s a new job for her, a new company, and new co-workers. Everyone has done a great job of making her feel welcomed. But I wonder if I have done a good job, you know?

I’m not sure if she noticed any of this. I hope not. I would feel very angry with myself & embarrassed if she did. Then again, it would be nice to have a chance to get it all in the open. I would to start the slate clean. A mulligan or do-over.

I tell myself it’s going to be a long time before I like someone like the way I like my friend in Lake Louise. This little episode just drives the point home. I think I was ready for the last few years to be in a relationship. With that friend. Now that she’s gone, I wonder now if I’m ready to be in a relationship with someone not my friend in Lake Louise. I guess I was so focused on her, I never really saw anyone else.

I hope one day, all of this will be easier. Though right now, I would settle for treating the new girl at work better.

BJB